Liar, Liar, My Pants Were On Fire

On Good Friday, I walked into the kitchen and saw my fourteen-year-old son Aaron on his phone. Unbelievable. On his phone again when I just asked him to do the dishes. My blood boiledI puffed out my cheeks and squinted my eyes as I walked past him.

When I strolled by glancing in his direction, Aaron looked up and stuttered, “Mom, I was just picking a new song to listen to while I do the dishes. I promise.”

My heart melted. By his tone and his body language, I knew my sweet boy (who doesn’t even use his phone that much!) was telling the truthShit Danielle, not cool.

I softened my face and cracked a warm smile, “Huh? I didn’t say anything,” I lied.

Aaron looked to the ground and said, “You didn’t have to. You got me really upset. I could feel you were mad. I’m sorry.”

Stubborn and embarrassed, I quipped, “Nope, that’s all you. I wasn’t thinking that, and I wasn’t mad. Maybe you’re just tired.”

I booked it to my office, closed the door, and let the tears trickle down. Danielle, first you prejudged him and then you lied to your son… What is going on?

As I thought about the situation, I realized I let my pride get in the way of being honest. I wanted to be right, but I unfairly assumed that Aaron was avoiding dishes for scrolling through Instagram. I also had an epiphany; my lying could have a big impact on Aaron. Not only could my actions jeopardize our relationship, but it could also prevent him from trusting his intuition.

I started to worry even more. What if Aaron believed me when I said I wasn’t mad in the moment? Maybe next time he won’t trust his gut and his ability to read people deeper than their spoken words. This scared the crap out of me. As someone who regularly uses her intuition in work and personal life, I know how important it is to decision-making, protecting myself from people and situations I don’t want, and fostering more authentic relationships with others.

When I couldn’t take it any longer, I had a chat with Aaron. Blinking away tears, I took a deep breath in and said, “Aaron, you were right this morning. You did sense I was mad. I made a snap judgement when you were on your phone. I realized that was unfair of me, but I was too stubborn to admit it so I tried to make it seem like you were the one who was reading the room wrong. I am so, so sorry. I always want you to trust yourself. I love you so much. And I’m sorry for lying.”

Aaron chuckled, “You’re so dramatic. I knew you were lying. It’s all good. I forgive you.”

I grinned, “It was immature of me and I’m going to do better. It makes me so stinkin’ proud that you trusted yourself.”

We hugged it out.

What’s the moral of the story? There are many here. Try not to judge others. Try not to fib. Own up to your mistakes when you can. Remember, you’re not alone if you’ve made a parenting blunder.

In my eyes, the most important lesson to carry with you is to be like Aaron and trust your intuition always. Sometimes, people won’t tell you the truth, either because they’re embarrassed, scared, or their ego has taken over. Don’t doubt yourself for a second. Your intuition is a powerful and needed tool in this world.

Join me in spreading my messages of breaking judgement habits and strengthening intuition even further: forward this blog to a few family members and friendsThe greater the shares, the greater the impact – They can subscribe here.  

Sincerely,
Danielle

PS – Here’s an affirmation for those days when you question your reality (i.e. you feel one way but someone else claims differently), I am grounded and aware.”

PPS – Do you want to start trusting yourself more? If so, here’s a writing activity. Set a timer for 2 minutes. During that time, list as many things as you can that you’ve ‘done right’ over the years; small or big decisions you’ve made that have worked out well for you. Did you pick a comfy couch that has held strong for years? Did you suggest the last restaurant you and your friends went to and the service and food was awesome? Did you marry the love of your life? Once your two minutes are up, you should be left with multiple examples to remind yourself that your intuition and judgment are strong; that you have the power to trust yourself. Remember this the next time the world is trying to tell you differently.

When hate is okay

The other day, me and my good friend Ella were catching up and offering each other intuitive guidance. One of the many things I appreciate about our relationship is we rarely stay surface level. We skip the small talk and get vulnerable, get real and go deep so we can support each other on this wild journey of life.

Ella said, “Okay. I hate them. Yes, hate. And yes, I know I’m not supposed to hate. I know forgiveness is the path and I know holding onto anger hurts me, but I just can’t let go. I do all the right things: I meditate. I read about spirituality and forgiveness… But at the end of the day, I still hate them.”

Ella wasn’t referring to the parking spot stealers or the jaywalkers of the world. Sad and heartbreakingly true, she was referring to people in her life who hurt her and a loved one deeply. These individuals are responsible for years of manipulation and abuse which caused pain, trauma and a series of events that can never be undone. Ella, I am sending you and your hurt so much love.  

As Ella spoke, I felt a lightness to me and the words flowed out, “You can hate. Don’t judge your feelings. It’s okay to feel it all. Just continue to do what you’re doing and be healthy about that hate. Take care of yourself and work towards releasing the heavy emotions but know you can’t control the timing of that release.”

Ella sent me a note a few days later and told me she felt lighter. That simple act of ‘giving her permission’ to feel the not-so-pleasant stuff had removed the guilt and angst she carried.

Most of us have someone or even several people in our lives who have done us or others we love wrong: an old friend spoke lies about you, a mother made you feel small daily, an ex-wife stole your money, a friend or family member sexually abused you or someone you love.

If you find yourself fixating on someone because you’re harboring anger and disgust, that is okay. You’re beautifully human and you should experience all of your emotions without judgement. You’re not a bad person or a less spiritually evolved person for feeling what you do. Just keep putting in the hard work: the talk therapy, the meditating, the reading, the working towards forgiveness.

Amidst the hard work, be sure to manage your hate. You don’t want hate to control you or your actions (while it’s okay to feel something, don’t let that emotion lead you to do something that’s not in your best interest: revenge, hurting yourself, or hurting others are never okay).  

Similar to Ella’s experience, I believe if you allow yourself to feel your emotions, and you accept where you are on your healing journey, it will be easier to move to a place of love and forgiveness when you’re ready. Just like ‘love’ takes a lot of work to maintain, ‘hate’ takes a lot to remove, but it’s possible. I’ve had the amazingly beautiful opportunity to love many and to forgive several emotional, physical and/or sexual abusers in my life. While I’m healed now, the journey was tough yet worth every ounce of hate, frustration and patience.

Join me in spreading my messages of breaking judgement habits and strengthening intuition even further: forward this blog to a few family members and friendsThe greater the shares, the greater the impact – They can subscribe here.  

Sincerely,

Danielle

PS – Here’s an affirmation to help support your healing journey, I give time and space to my soul to restore. I have the power to heal, and I’m getting healthier every day.”

PPS – Healing hate requires a balance of focusing on your emotion/the situation at hand and giving yourself space from your hate. For this journal prompt, you’ll focus on getting space from whatever it is that’s driving your negative emotions. Here’s what to do. Breathe in and out a few times while picturing yourself as a ball of white, beautiful light. Once you feel relaxed, open your eyes and write about a time when you felt tremendous love. Was it when your new puppy licked your face for the first time? Was it when your husband proposed to you at your favorite restaurant? Focus on your senses to really get lost in writing the story (the process of writing is where the healing comings in). What can you hear? What can you taste? What do you feel? What can you see?