Self Love – Dr. Danielle Clark

The stories in our bodies

There’s a saying that I 100% agree with. “The issues are in our tissues.”

This means our emotional, mental and spiritual ailments connect to our body. Simply put, if you’re experiencing something in the body, chances are, there is a deeper meaning for what is happening. If you can pinpoint the root cause, you can work to heal your whole self – mind, body and soul – so full and lasting healing takes place.

For example, I get headaches from time to time. There are moments I know exactly where they come from: I jump into my hot car without rolling down the windows and letting the AC do its thing… I have too much sugar… I have too much caffeine…

On the surface, there doesn’t seem to be a big story there, but if I look at the deeper meaning behind my headaches, it can get boiled down to a lack of patience (I know better than to hop into a car that’s been boiling in the sun) and a lack of self-discipline (I know my sugar and caffeine limits).

Other times I get headaches, there’s not an obvious reason, but when I slow down and reflect, it’s usually my soul’s way of saying, “You’ve been in your head too much… You’ve been overthinking, overworking or both… You need a time out.” When I regularly rest and do something creative, I notice my headaches become less and less frequent.

Here’s another example. I have uneven hips, sciatica and other problems that predominantly show up on the right-side of my body. An injury to my pinky toe when I was a little girl caused me to walk funny and I sit too much (I’m not proud of this one, but I am honest). I’ve had to ask myself, “What are my tissues telling me?”

When I am good about regularly attending yoga, going for walks and eating well, I notice less pain. But here is something interesting: holistically, the left-side of our body represents our feminine energy and the right-side represents our masculine energy. I notice that when I am in my masculine energy too much – spending time being structured, assertive and taking charge – I have more pain than when I am balanced in my masculine and feminine energy; the feminine side being creative and nurturing.

I encourage you to consider the concept of the stories in our bodies and see what insights about yourself you can identify. To assist you, here are a few more body and soul connections:

Is your throat sore or scratchy a lot? It could be pollen and/or it could be your throat telling you that you need to speak your truth more.
Do you have knots in your shoulders? Are they sore? Sure, it could be because of all the computer work you do, but perhaps it could also be your body’s way of telling you that you are carrying many burdens and the weight of the world on you.
In general, are your muscles stiff and tight? It could be that you’re getting older or perhaps it’s your body’s way of saying it wants you to loosen up a bit more – to laugh, to have fun and be open to new experiences.

Sincerely,

Dr. Danielle Clark | Psychic Medium
drdanielleclark.com

PS – Here’s an affirmation to strengthen your connection with your body, ‘My body is a vessel of love and information. I am always connected to its wisdom.’

PPS – Showing our body gratitude can help it heal. Grab your pen and journal. Write your body a love letter. Take the time to thank it for all that it has offered you. For example, did your body allow you to give birth, complete a 5k or heal from an illness or ailment? What parts of your body are you most grateful for? Your dad’s coffee-brown eyes? Your grandmother’s strong calves? How has your body matured over the years? What parts are you most proud of watching change? What parts have stayed the same? Once you’ve written the love letter to your vessel of love and information, try reading it aloud. Turn your thoughts into spoken words and feel the positive energy surround you.

3 ways to stop self-sabotaging

Procrastinating.

Avoiding.

Using a tone that’s not from our best self, then spending the day feeling guilty about it (I know this one well from my personal experiences. I’m sorry, babe.)

Binging food, medication, alcohol or other… Or trying to be so perfect, we get lost in the minor details and never move onto the next project.

Sound familiar?

This is self-sabotage.

Self-sabotage is when we consciously or unconsciously get in our own way regarding our goals, well-being and overall higher good. The external world didn’t muck up plans, but rather our own internal world did, we did.

We self-sabotage for various reasons: low self-esteem, fear, bad habits, familiarity, and a need to be in control – just to name a few.

Simply put, self-sabotage sucks, but you already know that. My goal is to help you find ways to stop the vicious cycle.

While I can’t claim to no longer fall trap to self-sabotage, I can proudly report I’ve stopped many self-sabotage cycles in my life and I’ve helped hundreds of others do the same. Here’s what I’ve seen work.

Get honest with yourself

This one is hard, painful and scary but so worth it. Your self-sabotage is coming from YOU and before you make a plan forward, you need to acknowledge this. Start by taking a moment for yourself, going inward and reflecting. Then fill in the blanks:

I’m responsible for my words, thoughts and behaviors. I recognize that when I do X, I self-sabotage.
I have a bad habit of X, X and X.
I am scared of X so instead I do X.

Self-sabotage can also be a result of past trauma that has gone unhealed; we develop survival strategies to keep us from further harm. If you think your self-sabotage is coming from a deeper place, seek support through a life coach (remember, yours truly is here to help), therapist or other healer.

Talk + listen to all sides of yourself

Oftentimes, we end up taking an easy win and pooing on what’s best for us because we’re tired or burnt out. This can lead to poor decision-making in the moment. To minimize the chances of self-sabotaging, address the things in your life that are depleting your energy or making you feel emotionally and mentally distant.

You should also embrace your dark side. In those times when we (fill in the blank) – drink too much, shout at someone we love, go silent and detached – it’s a cry for help. That dark side is wanting more of something and it’s rearing its head because it’s not getting it. So rather than letting that dark side take hold of your day, week, year or life – be proactive and find out what that side wants. Typically, if you lean in and embrace your shadow self, you’ll realize there’s not a true ‘dark side’ in there, but rather a wounded inner-child. Ask your inner-child what it wants and then schedule some time for more fun, more chances to express yourself, etc.

Set intentions + reminders

Life is busy. Like really, really busy. It’s so chaotic, so go-go-go that sometimes we can forget who we truly are and what our goals are. This happens because we get sucked up in the noise of our surroundings: news, responsibilities, family drama, etc. To refocus and regain our equilibrium, we need to invest more time in reminding ourselves of our goals. We can do this in a variety of ways. Here are a few suggestions:

Start each morning with an intention ritual. This creates mindfulness and purpose. How this looks is for you to decide. I like waking up, not grabbing my phone first thing, and giving myself a little pep talk: Danielle, be present today. Remember, you are light and love. Get your writing done. And enjoy your writing. Be grateful for your writing gifts.
If you’ve been looking for an excuse to go on a shopping spree, here it is: Buy (or create) things that will remind you of your goals. For example, have you always wanted to go skiing in Colorado but never manage to save enough money because you always spend money on eating out? If so, buy a few Colorado t-shirts to remind you of your true goal. I have a typewriter necklace that reminds me to write.

Join me in spreading my messages of breaking judgment habits and strengthening intuition even further: forward this blog to a few family members and friends. The greater the shares, the greater the impact – They can subscribe here.

Sincerely,

Dr. Danielle Clark | Psychic Medium
drdanielleclark.com

PS – Here’s an affirmation to use when you want to break free of your self-sabotaging ways, ‘I believe in my worth and my future.’

PPS – Self-awareness is critical to preventing self-sabotage. Grab your pen and journal. When you notice yourself complaining or making excuses about why you can’t get something done, write it in your journal. Over time, you may notice a trend of what your perceived barriers are. Understanding your limiting beliefs can help you overcome them.

Everything happens in perfect timing

Last month, I was in Virginia enjoying a meditation retreat at the Monroe Institute. Side note: I highly recommend their Gateway program if you’re looking for a space to reflect, heal and explore your consciousness while enjoying mountain air, exquisite food and a diverse group of like-minded, spiritually connected people. Feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions about the program.

Okay, back to the story…

On my last full day at the Monroe Institute, all participants were tasked with going outside for a solo no-talking-to-others meditative nature walk before coming back inside for an extended inside meditation.

My ego started talking: Of all the days to have been assigned this activity… Why today? It’s dreary. It’s raining. It’s cold… Why couldn’t it have been yesterday when it was sunnier and—

I interrupted my inner chatter as I remembered the book The Surrender Experiment: My Journey into Life’s Perfection by Mickey Singer which I had just finished two months before my trip.

In The Surrender Experiment, Mickey specifically talks about the rain, ‘Could it really be so hard to just let it rain when it rains and be sunny when it’s sunny without complaining about it? Apparently, the mind can’t do it…’ Mickey then points out that we oftentimes automatically assume we know what’s best, but we don’t, and instead of wanting to control things and make them different, we should let go and accept things as is and trust universal flow.

So that’s what I did. I took a deep breath, shifted my energy to a place of gratitude and curiosity and went to my room to put on my boots. Next, I grabbed an umbrella and went outside.

Within the first few steps of my walk, the Blue Ridge Mountains revealed themselves in the distance, a panoramic display. I felt small yet seen, as if the mountains knew I was there, embracing me among its natural landscape. A white haze drifted among its peaks which weaved around each other for miles. The pitter-patter of the rain on my umbrella put me into a light, love-induced trance. Fifteen or so people spread out with umbrellas in hand, walking the foothills of the mountains and connecting with Mother Nature and their Higher Selves. The sight was like a crowd of ants working toward the same purpose. A feeling of bliss swept through me, and I couldn’t help but swing my umbrella back and face the sky, enjoying the rain on my skin.

When I came back inside, I felt awe and gratitude. If I hadn’t read The Surrender Experiment, perhaps I wouldn’t have shifted my thoughts and embraced my nature meditation. If I hadn’t decided to visit the Monroe Institute, perhaps I wouldn’t have gotten such a beautiful chance to put my newfound learnings into action and show myself how far I’ve come.

Remember that sometimes you need to give up that initial sense of control, that ‘knee jerk’ reaction to a situation, for you to find a little more flow in life.

PS – The next time something happens that your ego isn’t happy about, use this affirmation, ‘I know everything connects and I know everything happens in perfect timing.’

PPS – It’s incredibly rewarding when we can learn something and then put it into action. Reflect on recent blogs, podcasts, books and conversations where you’ve learned something new. Grab your pen and journal. What are some of those learning lessons you gained? How can you create a situation to apply those lessons to your day-to-day life? For example, did you finally get around to reading The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo? If so, good for you! But have you actually done anything with your newfound knowledge? Have you gone through your bookshelf to decide what books give you joy? Have you tried out her vertical folding technique? Create a plan to put a few lessons you’ve learned into action.

Your ordinary is extraordinary

Two weeks ago, after a long day of teaching business to my undergrad students, I stopped at a fast-casual restaurant for comfort food. Even though I love teaching, sometimes between the commute, the stimulation overload (questions popping, emails flying), and talking for several hours straight while on my feet, it’s overwhelming.

The cashier’s warm smile and the restaurant’s local family vibe instantly shifted my energy – my headache began to fade and I felt relaxed, almost at home.

As I sat down and waited for my lunch, I enjoyed watching the owner in playful banter with the cashier. The owner had dark features, maybe forty years on him; the cashier was younger, deep brown eyes and hair that bounced when she laughed. I wondered if they were father and daughter. She couldn’t find a pen and threw her hands up in joking fashion as they talked about how funny it was they couldn’t spot one – Isn’t that always the way? It’s the same with socks. Where do they go?

Experiencing the adoration the owner and cashier had for each other warmed my heart. Lightheartedness and camaraderie flowed between them. Even though I wasn’t a part of their conversation, I felt like I may as well have been with them behind the counter.

When my rice bowl was ready, the owner brought it to my table – a pleasant surprise at a counter-service restaurant. He said with a smile as he extended his hand, ‘I noticed you were charged for chicken, but since yours is vegetation, here’s some money back. Thanks for your understanding and I hope you enjoy.’ His eyes crinkled at the corners.

My gratitude was overflowing yet all I managed to get out was a smile and a simple, ‘Thank you.’

For the next few moments, as I appreciated the flavors of fresh salsa over local greens and Spanish rice, I forgot all my problems. I sat in bliss, enjoying the hope and promise I had in humanity.

And that’s it. That’s the story. And here’s why it matters – the ordinary was extraordinary – the ordinary is extraordinary.

Customer-focused interaction, genuine human connection, and saving a few bucks significantly impacted my mood and day.

How does this impact you?

I want you to know (and to feel it in your heart) that ‘the little things’ you’re already doing in your day-to-day life – cleaning the house, holding the door for a stranger, helping your client with an issue, offering lunch to your colleagues, giving the Starbucks barista a compliment or extra tip – are having an extraordinary impact on others, even though you may not realize it.

Hopefully, you take this in and realize that you’re enough and that you don’t always need to do more to make a difference. Especially during the holidays, many of us feel we need to give more, volunteer more and be more. My story is proof that isn’t the case. Just be you!

You are enough. You are extraordinary.

PS – Here’s an affirmation to use when you feel like you’re not adding enough to the world, ‘I am not here to do, I am here to be.’

PPS – When was the last time you thanked yourself for all that you do and all that you are? If it’s been a while, grab your journal and pen. Start ten sentences with your name and then ‘I am thankful for…’ Then, complete the sentence. For example, one of my grateful sentences is: “Danielle, I am grateful for the way you don’t let rejection derail you from your goals.” For an extra dose of self-gratitude, consider writing a few of your favorite sentences on post-it notes and posting them around the house, reminding you how wonderful you are.

Don’t put up with it!

A few weeks ago, a new client Ellen (alias for privacy) booked a mediumship call with me.

When Ellen came onto the Zoom call, her shoulders were tense, almost folded forward. She wore a frown. This of course isn’t anything new. Often clients seek me out when they are feeling their lowest – depression has taken over, grief is weighing heavy on them, they are feeling stuck, lost or helpless. But something about Ellen’s look and vibe made me feel uncomfortable – there was anger in the way she looked and felt.

Determined to break the ice and create higher energy, I introduced myself and told Ellen a little about how I worked. As I was talking, she interrupted: “Are you going to connect to my husband and tell me exactly what I need to know? I’m not paying for you to give me an introduction.”

I took a slow and soothing breath and replied, “I will ask your husband to come close. I’ll work hard to talk with him and relay his messages.”

The woman scoffed, “Not good enough. I need specific answers to specific things, including where I may have put my brooch pin.”

I offered a light smile, “Let’s have your husband come in and we will have a chat. I’ll work as hard as I can. Before getting to specifics, let me get into his energy and then once we are chatting with him we can ask about the brooch…”

She rolled her eyes and I closed mine, beginning my connection. “Okay, I feel him stepping close… He feels like a shorter man with a hard work ethic… I think he may have been a drinker… He used to love working on his cars… Would you understand this?”

Ellen squinted her eyes and then threw up her arms, “That sounds like many men. How do I know this is my husband?”

I answered, “Please be patient. I’ll give you more detail; we are just starting. But does this sound like him?”

Ellen said, “Yes.”

Once Ellen said ‘yes’ her husband came closer to me. He was delighted to have her recognize him. He then started talking to me about his religious upbringing, his alcoholic dad, how he used to love Ellen’s meatloaf, the family baseball game memories… He then shifted the conversation to an apology. He wanted me to ensure Ellen knew he was sorry for his bad temper and drinking in the marriage.

As I lovingly relayed this information, Ellen again interrupted me. I could feel her coldness through the computer. She slammed her hands on the desk, “I don’t care about any of this. You’re not doing your job. Where is my brooch pin?”

I paused. I collected my thoughts and said, “Ellen. I am going to end our session. Your husband was eager to talk to you but your negative energy is too much for me to work with. Your husband leaves you with love and an apology. I will refund you and I wish you all the best on your journey and do hope you find your brooch.”

Ellen gave me a sharp, ‘fine’ and we ended the call.

Putting up boundaries. Respecting my sacred craft. While these things don’t necessarily come easy (after all, I am a recovering people-pleaser which stems from my traumatic childhood), I’m doing them more and more every day and I’m proud of this.

Do I have an abundance of empathy for Ellen? Yes, I most certainly do but that doesn’t mean I need to ‘put up with’ someone’s coldness.

I know Spirit supported my decision as I felt their love around me after I ended the call. For several minutes, my guides embraced me in a powerful, energetic hug and I enjoyed the warm tingles I experienced up and down my neck.

I hope this story gives you power to speak your truth and walk away when it serves you.

Please remember: to serve Spirit, you don’t need to be a people-pleaser – you need to be whole. The best thing we can do to honor Spirit is to preserve our health – mind, body and soul. Afterall, we are Spirit too.

PS – Here’s an affirmation to use when you need to find the power to say ‘no’ – ‘I am firm with others when needed. My needs and well-being come before anything else.’

PPS – Setting boundaries and saying ‘no’ can be hard, especially if we must do so in the moment. But setting your boundaries proactively can help you reflect and prepare. Grab your pen and paper. Are there any difficult yet needed conversations you could have in the next few days? Could you call your brother and tell him not to ask you for money anymore as it makes you uncomfortable? Maybe have lunch with your friend and ask her not to spread your personal information you share in confidence? Write out a list and consider taking action before the next ‘thing’ pops up.

Healing doesn’t mean that hurt doesn’t exist

I am a trauma survivor.

Dad was an alcoholic and verbally abusive. “What are you, stupid?” was his turn of phrase for me, and I wouldn’t see him for days as he’d work from dawn until dusk hit. Then he’d be at the bar.

Mom struggled with mental health issues and had her own addictions. It didn’t matter if I came home with an ‘A’ or an ‘F’, she always turned a cold shoulder to me.

This trauma-filled upbringing eventually led me to selling painkillers, giving my body to men in unhealthy ways and loathing myself. I carried a tremendous amount of shame.

But, despite years of abuse and carrying that load around with me (usually in the forms of anxiety, depression and escapism), today I am balanced and healthy. My past is not the primary focus of my here and now. I’ve forgiven others. I’ve forgiven myself. I love myself.

I attribute my healing to a variety of modalities and actions: yoga, quitting smoking, talk therapy, mediumship readings, journaling, self-coaching myself, nature walks, caring for my pup, reading memoirs, spiritual books and self-help books, sharing my story with others, opening up to my friends and family, and leaning into my faith – just to name a few.

But know, that despite my incredible healing journey, my complex trauma is still with me. For example:

I require a lot of confirmation from husband. Are we good? Do you love me? Are you proud of me? Good ol’ validation issues!
I worry about my husband leaving me even though we’ve been together eighteen years and I know I’m the love of his life. I see you, abandonment issues!
I am triggered when my husband has a few drinks and has a little slur (he rarely drinks). Thanks Dad!
I get down on myself when I’m not being ‘a perfect parent’. Hello, overcompensating!
I’ll catch myself zoning out unnecessarily thinking about hard events from my past. Thanks for the memories, trauma!

I share this because I want you to know healing doesn’t mean that hurt doesn’t exist, it means the hurt and damage no longer controls our lives.

Not only am I a trauma survivor, I also prosper and thrive. And I want the same for you.

Every day, I choose to navigate my trauma. I make a conscious decision, day in and day out to do the hard work. I hope you knowing that gives you the power to show yourself dedication, grace and acceptance on your healing path.

Join me in spreading my messages of breaking judgement habits and strengthening intuition even further: forward this blog to a few family members and friends. The greater the shares, the greater the impact – They can subscribe here.

Sincerely,

Dr. Danielle Clark | Psychic Medium

PS – Here’s an affirmation to support your recovery journey, “The past no longer has a grip on me. I’m balanced and in control.”

PPS – It’s human nature to focus on what’s not working as opposed to what is. Let’s flip that script. Grab a pen and journal. Think about your healing journey to date. What progress have you made? What words, thoughts and behaviors have you shifted? After journaling for a few minutes read your work aloud and give yourself some well-deserved kudos.

Your soul knows best

My long-time client Harper is navigating a Dark Night of the Soul. Hi Harper! Thanks for letting me share this beautiful story.

A Dark Night of the Soul is a time of deep spiritual depression and awakening. It’s when our ego is being stripped and the world no longer makes sense the way we knew it. We’re on a journey to understand a deeper sense of self and the world. A Dark Night is typically sparked by something unexpected: a medical diagnosis, the loss of a loved one, a ‘rock bottom’ with drugs or friends; but sometimes it comes on gradually, with no clear trigger.

In Harper’s case, her Dark Night came on slowly and then accelerated when she found the courage to leave a toxic long-term relationship. She’s been single for a few months and has been doing deep work on understanding unhealthy trends in her relationships so the patterns won’t continue to follow her. Good job Harper!

To help her along her Dark Night, Harper’s soul has asked for more alone time and isolation than she’s used to. Harper’s typically a high-energy extrovert who is literally the life of the party, so coming to terms with a mellow vibe has been challenging.

While in her Dark Night, one long weekend on Harper’s calendar didn’t feel right: the baby shower of a dear friend who lived across the country. It was three days jam-packed with group activities: kayaking, shopping, dining out. And while this is typically Harper’s speed, now it wasn’t.

Harper adores the mother and father-to-be, but she couldn’t ignore her soul’s voice: Stay home.

Harper knew staying home was right, but she was scared to tell her friend. She didn’t want anyone upset or disappointed in her, and she feared being a topic of gossip.

For weeks Harper thought about ‘what to do’ (even though she knew) and procrastinated with having this conversation with her friend. Her worry brought on headaches and fatigue several times.

When Harper finally found the courage to reach out to her friend, guess what happened?

The friend responded with care, love and empathy; Harper’s worries had been self-created.

But wait…The story gets even better.

Two days after their conversation, Harper received a message from her friend:

“I know you must be really hurting if you’re not joining in on the festivities so I’m here to see you, give you a hug and shower you with love for the next 24 hours. I’ll be at your place in two hours.”

Harper felt so seen and cared for. It was a needed reminder that she is worthy of true unconditional and healthy love. Her friend showing up for her during this shift in life was exactly what Harper needed; an important milestone on her healing journey.

There’s so much we can learn from this story, but here’s what I took away:

Worrying and procrastination is unneeded self-sabotage. Be kind to yourself and take action.
Your soul always knows best.
Honor yourself where you are. You’ll be rewarded for showing yourself grace and kindness.
True friends are not only there for you through the good times and hard times, they come and find you (sometimes even go across the country) so they can be there with you.

So now I challenge you. How can you stop procrastinating and take action? How can you honor your soul? How can you be a better friend?

Join me in spreading my messages of breaking judgement habits and strengthening intuition even further: forward this blog to a few family members and friends. The greater the shares, the greater the impact – They can subscribe here.

Sincerely,

Dr. Danielle Clark | Psychic Medium

PS – Here’s an affirmation to help you honor where you’re at on your healing journey, “My feelings are real and valid. I’m here to show them love, care and grace.”

PPS – Think about someone who helped you along your healing journey. Grab your pen and paper and jot a note to them. What did they do that helped you? How did they make you feel? As you write, enjoy the feelings this activity evokes: being loved, being accepted, being heard. Use this writing exercise as an opportunity to remember the world is good. If it feels right, consider sending this note of gratitude to the person who helped you.

Stop feeling bad about feeling good

From time to time, I touch myself for pleasure. I choose to do this for the joy and rejuvenation effects, for the “I love myself and deserve to feel good” vibes. The action isn’t against my religion or belief system, nor does my hubby care one way or another if I touch myself.

But right before I masturbate and right after I finish, I feel guilty. A gnawing “This is wrong” voice and feeling find me. My stomach gets a slight knot and shame washes over me.

So why does something that is meant to refresh and relax me, also give me a yucky feeling?

The other day at the gym, I got closer to uncovering the answer…

I’m a member of Orangetheory Fitness. I regularly attend high intensity workout classes that a trainer leads. On any given day there’s a combination of treadmill, rower and free weight work. The trainer will give me my pace and put together a series of base pace efforts, all out efforts and rests. It’s a tough workout which is exactly why I love it!

After running and climbing hills on the treadmill for half an hour I made my way to the weight floor. I was given three exercises to do until time was called. After each one, I was supposed to rest. But guess what? Even though I was winded, sore and could really use some water, I didn’t rest.

Why didn’t I rest? Because I felt guilty. The gnawing “This is wrong” voice I get when I masturbate found me again every time I paused from an exercise.

This gave me an ah-ha moment. I struggle with allowing myself to feel good. Whether it’s experiencing the full bliss of some special me time, or giving my body a break after lifting, something deep within me associates being good to myself with being bad.

I have important answers I need to search for, like how to create a better relationship with the things that make me feel good. I know where I’ll start, and that’s thanks to doing similar self-work in the past.

Here’s what I’ll focus on now:

Reminding myself through reflection, journaling and affirmations that I am a human being not a human doer. Every day I’ll tell myself I’m here to work hard and to relax, have fun and enjoy life.
Adding more just for me things into my week so that feeling of being good to myself comes more naturally.
Exploring my past to see if I can identify any past experiences or limiting beliefs shared with me that I need to understand, give love to, and let go.

I’m hoping that if you can relate to this blog, you’ll put together a list of things you can focus on too. Life is too short and beautiful for any of us to spend too much time feeling low, overworked and ashamed.

Join me in spreading my messages of breaking judgement habits and strengthening intuition even further: forward this blog to a few family members and friends. The greater the shares, the greater the impact – They can subscribe here.

Sincerely,
Dr. Danielle Clark | Psychic Medium

PS – ‘Here’s an affirmation to give you a boost of self-love when you’re feeling bad about feeling good, ‘I am worthy of all good things. I give myself unconditional love always.’

PPS – If you struggle with putting yourself first or giving yourself some much needed TLC, grab your journal and a pen. Oftentimes, these limiting beliefs stem from our childhood, be it directly or indirectly. Did a magazine or TV show make you feel like it wasn’t okay to do something you wanted to do? Or perhaps that it wasn’t okay to feel a certain way? Did a family member tell you something is bad for you, when it’s actually the opposite? (for example – you wanted a second serving of food because you were still hungry, but your grandma wouldn’t let you eat more because she said you’d gain weight). Write anything that comes to mind. Then light all of these limiting beliefs on fire (or rip them up slowly into small bits) repeating, ‘These limiting words, beliefs and actions are no longer mine to carry’.

I self-sabotaged

My sister Kelley came to stay with me a few weeks ago.

Late one night, we fought about parenting stuff – we clearly didn’t agree on how to approach a situation with one of our kiddos. Words were exchanged. It turned into an ugly spat.

I walked away from our exchange hurt. I felt disrespected and undervalued by my sister. I was also ashamed for letting myself walk into an unkempt, fiery version of me. Although I told myself to walk away several times, that the argument was better served with my best self… I didn’t. I stayed for the fight and escalated it.

The next morning, I could still feel the emotions of the spat with me. I went to the bathroom mirror looking for a pimple or blackhead. Having sensitive skin and acne scars from my old picking-and-popping days, I knew to leave the extractions to the estheticians. But it was too tempting… I wanted a distraction.

I leaned toward the mirror and squinted, finally finding a blackhead at the crease of my nose. I dug and squeezed, pressed and pinched until that blackhead was no more.

Ugh Danielle. Don’t do this. You know it’s not good for your skin.

But what did I do?

More picking and squeezing until I finally leaned away from the mirror to witness a face full of red splotches. I looked like Hellboy with chickenpox! Why, Danielle? You know this happens every time!

I knew my face picking would cause more harm than good. I knew I’d end up with inflamed spots around my nose, cheeks and chin. But I did it anyways.

That morning when my sister woke up, we said our “I’m sorry’s”. While there was still awkwardness in the air, the tension dissipated. And as the day progressed and I started feeling better, I regretted my blackhead binging episode even more.

So why did I do it? Why did I self-sabotage?

Several reasons…

Because I was feeling low, and like attracts like. I felt in good company doing a low-vibing task (like messing up my face). And perhaps, without being conscious of it, it was also a way to punish myself for the shame I felt for not holding more grace during Kelley and I’s quarrel.
My self-sabotage was also my own form of escapism. I couldn’t focus on my negative feelings about the fight because I was too busy causing another problem for myself.

I’m aware that I’ve been down this road before and I need to be more careful. I have a long history of self-sabotage; of making a good scenario bad and making a bad scenario worse because I perceive a lack in some way. I’m not good enough, smart enough, caring enough…

If you self-sabotage, there are a few important things I want you to know…

You’re not alone. If you go to the gym and then binge eat before bed. Or if you keep racking up your credit card debt even though you don’t have the means to pay it off. There’s many of us in the same boat and with knowing that, I hope you’re kinder and gentler the next time you hurt yourself.
Spending time in reflection can help you better understand why you hurt yourself and why you add more stress and challenges to yourself. This will help you pinpoint where you need more _______ (fill in the blank. Self-love. Discipline. Healing). Hint: Oftentimes, self-sabotage is a result of unresolved trauma.
Your awareness can lead to a change in behavior. Knowing your triggers and your self-sabotaging go-to’s (blackhead picking, for instance) will allow you to better cope and create a strategy that ensures your actions stay positive, or at least neutral during hard situations.

The next time I get the urge to pinch and pick, I’ll think of this blog and grab a stress ball, not my face.

Here’s a few articles I found on self-sabotage that may help you (and will definitely help me).

PS – Here’s an affirmation to use after you self-sabotage, ‘I send love, grace and understanding to my destructive patterns. I can’t change the past, but I will change the future.’

PPS – Grab a pen and your journal. Spend a few minutes thinking about what areas in your life you self-sabotage. Is it with money? Time? Relationships? Health? What’s the one area you want to work on improving now? Next, identify some of your limiting beliefs around the topic at hand which may contribute to your self-destructive patterns. Do you believe it’s not possible to get out of debt? Do you believe you’re not worthy of love? Do you think you’ll be unattractive regardless if you lose the 50lbs or not? Once you have a grasp on your limiting beliefs, write positive affirmations for each of them and use them every day for the next month to build up your internal power and to help retrain your brain.

Allow yourself to be human

The other morning, when dropping Charlie off at Puppy Palace (yup! He’s spoiled and yes, they have a salt water pool for my ‘boujee’ pup), I led him into the main waiting room with no leash and collar on. This is usually fine but there was another dog in there I didn’t see. The Puppy Palace rules are, if there’s more than one dog in the waiting room, your dog should be leashed to avoid any unnecessary biting, fighting or other aggressive behaviors. If you’re not a dog owner, please know these types of behaviors are rare. Some dogs just aren’t fans of other dogs or people, especially if they’ve lived a hard life.

Charlie wandered over to the other dog and before I could grab a hold of him, the pups started sniffing each other. While neither dog showed hostility or bad juju toward the other, one of the workers had to separate them just in case.

Even though unintentional, I felt bad that I broke the rule. I sensed the worker was frazzled and perhaps a bit angry with me (I say ‘sensed’ because she had a mask on, so I couldn’t rely on regular facial clues). I wouldn’t blame her for being a bit miffed; after all, I should know the drill. Charlie has been going there for years.

“I’m so sorry about this,” I muttered with regret and sincerity in my voice. The worker didn’t reply, so I kept going, trying to make things right, “That dog is small and I didn’t see him as I came in. Again, I’m so sorry.” The worker walked away, never once acknowledging my apology.

How rude! I thought as I walked up to the front desk to sign Charlie in.

With my emotions high, experiencing a mix of Ugh Danielle. You’re so careless, and I can’t believe she just walked away from me, I unloaded on the young man at the desk.

“I’ve never had something so rude happen to me here. I gave an apology and that worker just walked away from me…”

The man replied with a warm smile on his face, “Oh goodness. Don’t be upset. She probably didn’t hear you. She’s hard of hearing.”

Whoa! I had never considered that.

I let out a sigh, “Wow. That must be it. Thanks for telling me.”

Just then, the worker came out and I couldn’t miss my chance to say sorry to her. This time she heard me. She was light and forgiving.

The second I got home from dropping Charlie off, I wrote a draft of this blog so that the encounter was fresh in my mind and I could perfectly capture the ‘don’t make assumptions’ moral. But while writing, I identified a greater depth to that moral: I’m human. I make mistakes. I feel things deeply. And I’ll never get every interaction right.

A few years ago, I would have thought about this situation for hours, beating myself up for not knowing the worker was partially deaf, for being too emotional or too quick to assume she was rude. But this time, as I sat down to write, I felt pride. My brain wasn’t tangled with questions, but instead I had clarity on why I made my assumption: I’m a loud person. I’d talked to this worker many times before and we’d never had troubles communicating. I was proud of myself for realizing there was no need to be mad with myself, it was an honest mistake – and as a human, I’m allowed to make many of those.

Instead of letting this uncomfortable encounter bubble inside of me for hours or days, I spoke my truth and within seconds I was rewarded with someone else’s truth. By expressing my emotions about the situation to the young man behind the desk, I found a truth that released me from purposeless emotion.

So my true moral of this story is: when we let ourselves be human, we can bring out the best in a situation.

Sincerely,
Danielle

PS – Here’s an affirmation to use when you find yourself getting down on everything that makes you YOU, “I love myself as I am.”

PPS – Is there an awkward encounter you repeat in your head and you ask yourself: Why did I sound so lame? How did I make that blunder? If so, grab your pen and journal. Write the encounter down as a story. What did you do and say? What did the other person do and say? Once you’ve captured it, end the story with a lesson: What did you learn? Perhaps what did the other person learn? Read your now complete story and let all those negative vibes go, as this story is no longer negative: it has a lesson and that’s your positive spin.

Category: Self Love