Author: Danielle Clark

Dr. Danielle Clark is a witty heart-centered millennial. She wears many hats in this beautiful + crazy thing we call life. She is a proud wife, and cat, dog and human mama who works as a psychic medium, intuitive life coach, spiritual teacher and business professor. Dr. Danielle’s life work is focused on helping people heal from self-judgement, trauma and grief so that they can release their suffering and tap into the highest version of themselves. Danielle’s been blessed to do that for herself and that’s why she’s made it her mission to pass along her wisdom to others. Danielle is from just north of Boston. She currently lives in the Tampa Bay area. She believes with a little love, grace and humor anything is possible. She invites you to join her blog Onwards at drdanielleclark.com and to connect with her on social media.

Remove negativity

Thanks to 2020, I, like many others, have been in survivor mode: Protecting my physical, emotional and mental health has been my top priority. With the heightened focus on me, I’ve found it much easier to say ‘no’ to people and things that don’t support me, that don’t lift me up and make me stronger. Over the last few months, I have:

  • Changed nails salons so I no longer have to hear the nail tech talk angrily about politics;
  • Parted ways with my car detail guy who is awesome to shoot-the-shit with but doesn’t do the best job actually cleaning my car (and with a yellow lab that sheds a ton, this is a necessity);
  • Stopped going to the young woman who gives an awesome facial but steals away my relaxation because she complains of her boyfriend and tries to squeeze free life coaching from me

While my actions may seem small and obvious, they are big to me. Before 2020, I would have stayed in these unfulfilling relationships due to some jaded belief I should be loyal and avoid hurting others’ feelings. Or, I would have ended these relationships, all the while letting guilt live inside me for weeks, if not months. But I’m different now, and everlasting guilt is no longer my M.O.

Thank you, 2020, for helping me find my power (and hello to you, 2021 – prepare to witness my strengths!). Every time I took steps to remove negativity from my life, I felt nothing but better. I could feel it in my shoulders. I could feel it in my stomach. I could feel it in my mind, heart and soul. The calm, the ease. By choosing to honor my time, my money and myself, I’m lighter and more open to the people I need along my journey. I now have a new nail tech, a new car detail guy and a new esthetician, and all are enhancing my life and feeding my soul.

Do you have anyone in your life who’s dragging you down? If so, you know what to do.

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Sincerely,
Danielle

PS – Here’s an affirmation to help you find the power you need to say ‘no’ to the things and people that aren’t serving you, “I am in touch with my wants and needs. I stand up for myself and am confident in my ability to make change and say ‘no’.”

PPS – It’s all too easy to settle for mediocre, to go out to a restaurant and be served a lukewarm meal and say nothing to the waiter because you’d rather not ‘look bad’ or cause problems. Get out your journal. Here’s a writing prompt to give yourself confidence the next time you need to speak up for yourself: Get your imagination going. Think of a situation where someone isn’t meeting your expectations (i.e. the lukewarm dinner you’re paying for!). Write out the scene. What happens? And what do you do to voice your concerns? Make sure the story has a happy ending and carry those triumphant feelings with you until you need to speak up for real.

I nominated myself and you should too

Towards the end of last year, Hillsborough Community College where I’m a business instructor, recognized me as a finalist for their Champion of Diversity Award. I was and am still honored. I promote diversity and inclusion in a variety of ways: sharing my unique life stories as an at-risk youth with my students, conducting research on diverse populations, writing on topics that promote a deeper understanding of the human experience, inviting a range of talented and diverse speakers into my classroom, creating programs and opportunities for those in need, volunteering at nonprofits that support underprivileged groups. The list proudly goes on and on.

Given everything I do to further diversity and inclusion, I wasn’t shocked to receive the recognition but there’s also another reason I wasn’t shocked: I asked my boss to nominate me.  

That’s right. This amazing award didn’t just fall into my lap like many people like to believe (or tell you). Not only did I do the hard work to have the credentials to be considered, I also advocated for myself to be nominated. I knew I deserved to be considered for the award; I knew the value I brought to the college and the community, and I also knew that my peers and my boss may not know about all my efforts.  

I drafted out the reasons why I should be nominated and sent my boss a note asking him to consider nominating me if he felt I was deserving. Within minutes, he wrote back excitedly that he’d be delighted to nominate me. Over the next few days, I worked on my nomination form with a friend, and sent it to my boss for feedback.

The point here is simple: If you want something, go get it. Yes, I absolutely believe in the magic of luck and good things happening to good people (thank you Law of Attraction), but I also believe we need to own our journeys and not wait for others or the universe to hand us what we want. I believe we need to be active co-creators in accomplishing our goals. To do that, we need to stand up tall and forge our paths, unafraid to shine our lights and show others what we are truly capable of achieving.

I want you to leave with this: There’s no reason to be shy or embarrassed for wanting to promote yourself and share your accomplishments with the world. Yes, there are times you will get rejected. Yes, there are times people will judge you for putting yourself out there, but you know what? These things don’t matter. What matters is that you show up for yourself. What matters is that the world needs more role models like YOU and every time you get yourself noticed, you inspire others.

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Sincerely,
Danielle

PS – Here’s an affirmation to help give you confidence to advocate for yourself: “The world is a better place when my light shines brightly. I courageously promote myself when it benefits me and others.”

PPS – To get comfortable advocating for yourself, grab your journal. Here’s a writing prompt: What could you do this week to get your hard work recognized? Brainstorm a list of at least 10 ideas and then choose one and make it happen.

What if death wasn’t morbid?

A few months ago, during a Compensation and Benefits class I was teaching, I encouraged students to ‘think outside the box’ when it came to the benefits they’d like to see their employers offer on top of the standards such as health insurance and 401k contribution. Students responded with ideas such as,

“Free meals!”
“Free parking!”
“Pet insurance!”

As they responded, I pondered over my answer. I said excitedly, “What about funeral planning?”

The class fell silent as quickly as flicking a switch. One student exclaimed, “That sounds morbid.”

I was confused by her response. In my mind, my funeral would be a festive party, a large celebration of life: Family, friends, students and clients sharing stories about me, some funny and some triumphant. Hors d’oeuvres passed around, champagne flowing. People who felt I’d touched their lives in some way walked around smiling, looking at photos of me with my family and chatting over posters that proudly displayed my writing, my book covers and other mementos of my life’s work. The lyrics of Tom Petty and Taylor Swift swirled about the room. I saw guests bringing toy donations for the local hospital and leaving with a small token of appreciation, like a picture frame donning an inspiring quote.

I looked at the student, her face expressionless, and then it hit me: Death to her is different than it is to me.

I guessed that death, in her mind, was scary, somber, and probably marked finality. I used to feel the same, but I now believe that death allows us to come home, that our soul lives on and we continue to communicate with those still in human form. We come to Earth again when we are ready.

My belief that there is something more beyond our deaths has expanded my understanding and acceptance of an imminent life event. While death may mark the end of life on Earth, it doesn’t mean my soul’s purpose fails to live on. Proof exists in those who attend my funeral; my everlasting purpose thrives in those who feel I’ve made a difference in their lives.

Since expanding my view of death, my life has shifted. I’m no longer worried about doing things ‘the right way’ and I don’t carry nearly as much regret knowing I’ll have a chance to do it all again in another life.

Thinking about planning my funeral and taking away some of the family burdens that came with that planning sounded fun, it sounded ‘me’. Afterall, I’m a Type A personality. Why not plan my own last “hoorah!” and have it funded by my employer.

This isn’t to say that death isn’t tragic and filled with grief – I empathized with my student. Death is unknown, mysterious, and flat-out hard, but I believe it can be more than just its inherent gloom. It’s a chance to connect with our intuition and our soul. A time to get curious and challenge our assumptions about life and death (and funerals) handed down to us. At my funeral, the last thing I want is people wearing black; I want everyone wearing an inspirational quote on a t-shirt and hope I’m buried in something cheerful and bright.

With the tremendous loss of life the world experienced in 2020, I want to challenge your thinking when it comes to death. What if death could be beautiful? What if death could be accepted? If you could change your perspective of death, how would the decisions you make in your life change?

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Sincerely,
Danielle

PS – Here’s an affirmation to help you open up to the idea of death, “Death does not break the bond of love.”

PPS – To get comfortable with death and grief, you need to think about it differently. Here are two different writing prompts, depending on what you want to focus on: Death: Write your own obituary. Aim for it to be truthful, vulnerable and light-hearted. Be sure to give yourself at least 3 kudos by highlighting some of your amazing life accomplishments and talents. To widen your perspective of death further, try adding some comedic flair. Grief: Write a letter to yourself from the person you are mourning. What would they say to you? What advice and kudos would they give you? What have they been doing to have fun?

Believe in your worth, not the numbers

After I write an article and share it on social media, I find myself all too eagerly awaiting the likes, comments and shares. I know I shouldn’t need validation that I’m putting out meaningful work, but it usually takes my ego 15 or so (okay, more like 30) minutes to remember that.

During that ‘window of ego’, sometimes I’ll spin out in a mental frenzy. Are people reading? Do they like it? Will I make an impact?

When I finally stop obsessively checking my social media stats and come to, I breathe in and remind myself of a few important things: what matters is sharing my truth and connecting with others; that the numbers will never matter more than the lives I impact. Some days, pulling myself out of a social media spiral seems impossible, my worry about trying to make a difference sends me reeling. And some days, the ones who pull me out of that spiral are exactly those lives I’ve impacted (and nine times out of ten, I had no clue I’ve made a difference in these people’s lives).

Last week, when I least expected it (i.e., when I wasn’t mid-frenzy and desperately refreshing my social media apps), a long-time friend posted a raw, vulnerable, unconventional post on Facebook. This person, who usually doesn’t go deep on Facebook, spoke about his grief and mental health struggles over the last few years and how 2020 was the year to give him love, healing and happiness. My friend wrote about how he went inward and got to know himself in a new way. He also bought a house in a community he loves and spent precious time with his wife and his dog. All of these helped him to move forward from his trauma and darkness. But although my friend had a beautiful year and a desire to share his experiences, he hadn’t because he felt guilty because many others had a difficult year.

Reading about his brave ‘coming out’ of sorts – the courage to share his story with others – gave me hope for deep healing in the world and reminded me of how much I love him. With happy tears in my eyes, I responded to his post, telling him how proud I was of him. I let him know that his words were beautiful – and I mentioned that I’d known him for close to 20 years and never knew him to be a writer.

He responded, saying he thought of me as he wrote his post thanks to the amount of vulnerable sharing and writing I’ve been doing lately. I was shocked to learn he’d been reading my work. I don’t recall getting a like or a comment from him in the past, but perhaps I have. I was honored to know that the work I’ve been creating spurred someone else to create meaningful work. With every new piece I write and choose to share with the world, more people will be thinking about the world differently, healing, bravely telling their stories and perhaps creating their own work too.

Take this as a reminder that while “Atta girls” (or boys), awards and social media love are important and feel great, they are not the whole picture and they don’t define your worth or impact. You’re creating value. There are many lives you’ve impacted that you don’t even know about and there will be more too.

Did you enjoy this post? You can subscribe here. 

Sincerely,

Danielle

PS – Here’s an affirmation to remind you of your worth when putting your ideas/work out there: “I trust my work can and will make a difference. I believe that it will be received by those who need it most; I can feel my impact taking place.”

PPS – Do you want to kick your insecurities to the curb? Spend a few minutes journaling. Here’s a prompt: Think about a piece of work you’re putting out into the world: your food, your coaching, your writing, your music, your artwork – whatever that work may be. Imagine a few different people taking in your work: an older man with cancer, a young girl whose parents are moving through divorce, a mother of four suffering from depression, your ideal audience. How does your work help them? If you were with them 1×1, what would they say about how your work has impacted them?

The power of opening up

During an advanced career workshop I facilitated a few months ago, one of the attendees (we’ll call him Tim) raised his hand. “You may be surprised by this question, but do you have any advice for when and how to inform my potential employer of a few felonies I have? I never know what to do with that in the interview process.” Tim then gave us some backstory to his predicament.

Tim was someone I’d met a few weeks prior. I found him to be charismatic, driven and flat-out talented. He was working towards a certificate in cybersecurity, working two jobs, and with all those positive characteristics, it’d be hard to associate him with crime. But I wasn’t surprised by his question, not the least bit. Why? Because I have also made mistakes and some less-than-ideal choices.

At age 13, I found myself on probation. The answer to how I actually got on probation is a story for another time, but how that experience shaped me is my point of human connection with Tim. The dark paths I’ve walked down (hell, some I’ve ran down and sadly, some I was pushed down) are the reason I’m so passionate about helping others explore their darkness, learn from it and then release it so they can step into their new selves, into their light, into their true selves.

After the workshop, I emailed Tim: “You were brave and inspiring today. Keep sharing your story. The right people will listen. Thank you for helping to break stereotypes. Thank you for not giving up on yourself and humanity.”

Tim wrote back: “I don’t normally open up like that, but I went with the energy in the room. Thanks for creating a culture of nonjudgement.”

Tim’s words left me misty-eyed and they got me thinking.  How do I create an open and inclusive culture?

Here’s what I came up with:

Be vulnerable. Share your story: You don’t need a gripping “I had a run-in with the law and turned it all around” story to promote an unbiased and accepting environment. We all have stories of adversity and struggle: Speak your truth so others feel comfortable doing the same.

Get curious: Listen to people. Truly listen. Ask questions about others and promote opportunities for people to ask you questions; the real questions, the questions that matter; the ones that could profoundly change someone’s life (like Tim’s question).

Don’t take yourself or life too seriously: Humor, levity, shooting the shit, whatever you call it – it’s healing and helps others not take themselves too seriously. Judgement comes from a place of closed-mindedness; humor (if done right) comes from a place of lightness. If you want people to feel open, then add some whimsy.

Vibe high: People pick up on energy. They can tell if something feels right and if something feels off. Do what you can to ensure you’re giving off the right energy. Keep yourself balanced, honest and healthy.

If you’d like to engage with an open and inclusive culture, check out my Dark Night of the Soul = A Life Found workshop series starting 1/7. It would be great to have you with us. You’ll join a strong community filled with people ready to get raw and real with their darkness – through sharing, listening and connecting – so the light can shine again.

Did you enjoy this post? You can subscribe here. 

Sincerely,

Danielle

PS – Here’s an affirmation to help you along your ‘I’m going to create a culture of nonjudgement’ journey: “I increase my energy by choosing to love rather than judge. I expand my energy by giving love, receiving love, and promoting love.”

PPS – Tap into the power of nonjudgement. Think back to a time when someone chose not to judge you. Perhaps it was something as simple as your appearance, or maybe a moment you chose to reveal a deep truth about yourself (like Tim). Spend a few minutes journaling. Here’s a prompt: Write a letter to the person who didn’t judge you. Would you thank them? How did their act of nonjudgement positively impact your life?

Here’s why you shouldn’t regret the past

The other night, in bed with my husband Ron, I said, “Did you see that thing your brother posted? I really liked it. It asked, ‘If you could go back in time to your 18-year-old self, what advice would you give yourself in 3 words?’”

Ron responded, “No. I didn’t see it. What would you say?”

I replied, “Stop smoking now. You?”

Ron stated, “Just enjoy it.” He followed his three words with this: “You know, I wouldn’t want to change a single thing. Everything connects. Everything has gotten me to where I am today. If you change one thing you change it all.”

His words were profound and got me thinking differently about my smoker’s remorse. What would have happened if I stopped smoking earlier or perhaps never started in the first place?

While the obvious benefits would be a lower risk for cancer and fewer dental problems, I realized that if I had chosen to stop smoking, I may never have:

Fallen in love with my husband: When I met Ron at 19 years young, I was instantly attracted to him. His tall lean frame, his auburn hair and the fact that he smoked were all sexy as hell. As a smoker, I loved men who smoked, and most non-smokers didn’t want to date “a girl like me”. If I had quit smoking, perhaps Ron wouldn’t have been so sexy to me. Perhaps I wouldn’t have wanted to date a smoker because he may have triggered me, and maybe Ron only wanted to date a smoker.

Gained strong empathy for addicts: While I’ve experimented with my fair share of drugs and alcohol, I never got addicted (Thank you, God!). But I know what addiction feels like due to smoking. I started when I was 13 years old and the habit quickly spiraled to the point where I couldn’t hold a conversation, focus or function without the inhale of a Marlboro Red. Because I know what addiction feels like, I’ve found success coaching and supporting those with addictive personalities. If I never smoked for so many years and never tried to quit so many times, perhaps I wouldn’t have the enormous amount of empathy that I do now for addicts of all kinds (food, sex, drugs).

Saved Ron and myself: After I got pregnant with our son Aaron, I was determined to quit smoking, but after I had him, it was an all-too-typical cycle: stop, start, stop, start again. Ron kept smoking which didn’t make the “stopping” part stick. We’d fight and it’d get ugly. I’d beg him to quit, to help me quit. One night during a nasty argument, we both got so mad with each other – my arms flailing and Ron going into silent mode – that we swore we’d both stop smoking to avoid the fights; to avoid getting divorced. And we did. We quit. Without the opportunity to reach a place of compromise and synergy with Ron, he might never have quit for good and perhaps I wouldn’t have either.  

While there are still pieces of me that wish I never smoked, I don’t regret it. I forgive myself for the experience. I’m thankful for the learning and growth it gave me. And I accept the lightness and the darkness of what is.

Did you enjoy this post? You can subscribe here. 

Sincerely,

Danielle

PS – Here’s an affirmation to help you let go of regret: “I live in the present and look to the future.”

PPS – To explore your regret, get out your journal. Here’s a writing prompt: Describe the life you would have now if something you regret never happened. How would it be different? How would it be the same?

If you don’t know why, ask me

The other morning, when my 14-year-old son Aaron asked me where I was going, I cheerfully responded, “To my eyelash appoint.”

Aaron’s nose crinkled as he gave me a judgy look, “Why do you try to be someone you’re not? Who are you trying to impress anyways?”

His response hurt; he was quick to judge with questions oozing accusation.

Excited for a change amidst the 2020 work from home same-old, same-old, a few months ago I started getting false lashes. My lashes have brought me joy. They make me feel more confident, more prepared and prettier for my dozens of Zoom calls. I’ve had fun waking up looking like Marilyn Monroe (hey, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it) and receiving compliments from my clients, students and even strangers I meet on my daily walks and trips to the store.

That’s why I was disappointed by Aaron’s assumption; that I was trying to pretend I was someone I wasn’t as opposed to enhancing the person I already was and am: Confident. Prepared. Pretty. I cringed hearing that Aaron thought impressing the world was a bad thing. What’s the problem with wanting to look good for others? I’ve found that the more put together and refreshed I look, the more others perk up and are open to my energy, which helps when I am teaching, coaching or giving a seminar. As long as self-esteem doesn’t solely rely on how others see you, then looking good can fuel self-love and happiness.

To snap me out of my critical feelings towards Aaron and I’s conversation, I found empathy. I reminded myself that Aaron’s limited viewpoint wasn’t his fault. He’s a freshman in high school, an age when many kids judge one another and make unfair assumptions based on appearance. He’s superglued to Snapchat, TikTok and I’m sure other apps I don’t know much about that seem to perpetuate this habit.

I took a deep breath in, looking Aaron straight in the eyes.

“This is important. I don’t like that you judged me right there. I am being ME. Just like my blonde highlights and gel nail polish compliment me, so do my eyelashes. A girl can want to look good and do that for different reasons. Some will do it for herself and others will do it for someone else and regardless, that’s their decision to make. These lashes make me happy. I’m not getting them to try to fit in or hide who I am; I get them as sort of a celebration of who I am. As a way to treat myself.”

I could see Aaron processing. I smiled and said, “I love you kid.”

Aaron told me he loved me back. He then gave me a ‘thanks’ and a head nod that showed me I got him thinking differently. And with that, we moved on with our day.  

I’m proud for speaking my truth – not always an easy thing to do – especially to my teenage son. Will he get it? Will he understand? Will he care?

I hope introducing Aaron to a new way of thinking opens his eyes to the importance of not snapping judgements and instead, becoming more conscious of others’ WHY. I hope he starts asking questions that come from a place of curiosity such as, “Does it make you happy? How so?”

Later that day, I started wondering how many people had judged me for my fake eyelashes and how many other females had also been judged for theirs. I then thought about all the women out there getting judged for their botox, their weight or their clothing. That number was enough to inspire me to write this post.

So, to those rocking new outfits that match your flair; those typing away with fake nails; those driving to work with a brand-new hairstyle: Go YOU! There is no need hide or be ashamed. You’ve taken the time to invest in yourself, and that’s beautiful self-love!

As for the others who judge you, remember that their judgment is a reflection of themselves, not you. Hold onto grace and patience in these moments; they don’t know your WHY. If they don’t ask, they probably don’t know any better. Keep rocking anyways.

If you’re making assumptions about others, how can you break those limiting beliefs and work toward appreciating the choices that others make?

And most importantly, how can we have meaningful conversations with our youth to ensure appearances don’t control their perceptions of others?

Did you enjoy this post? You can subscribe here. 

Sincerely,
Danielle

PS – Here’s an affirmation to help you along your ‘I won’t let sticks and stones hurt me’ journey: “I am the only one responsible for my self-esteem.”

PPS – To remind you that empathy is possible in all situations, get out you journal. Here’s a writing prompt: Think back to a time when someone hurt you. What did that person do? How did they make you feel? Although you may not forgive that person, can you find empathy? What human experiences may have shaped the way they treated you? How do you think they feel about the situation now?

Do you know what a dark night of the soul is?

A few days ago, a friend texted me, “So what the heck is a Dark Night?” His question was in response to coming across the free event I posted on Facebook happening December 10th called, A Dark Night of the Soul = A Life Found. (Check it out here if you want to learn more or if you’d like to attend. It would be great to have you with us.)

Anyways…
 
My friend’s question about a Dark Night reminded me that although the term is as common to me as, “I need tea,” “I love you” or even “Charlie, drop the sock” (if you’re wondering, Charlie is my dog), a Dark Night of the Soul isn’t a term a lot of people know, even if many people have or will experience it.

The term ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ has been around for centuries. It was commonly associated with a poem written by St. John of the Cross in the 1500s. A Dark Night is the spiritual depression someone has to go through to “wake up” and strip themselves of ego. Although the term has Christian roots, it doesn’t discriminate, regardless of one’s beliefs.
 
A Dark Night is usually triggered by an impactful event, such as losing a loved one or experiencing something traumatic. It could also present itself when the meaning you had given your life collapses; when an activity, achievement or something you had built your life around falls apart. (Think: the sense of purpose you’ve created in your mind.)

A few years ago, I experienced a Dark Night of the Soul – a term I never knew existed until it rocked my world. The unexpected loss of my job triggered a time of deep spiritual depression and reflection.
 
Without my usual heavy workload combined with a drive for external validation to distract me (yes, I was a workaholic), I was left to see reality with fresh eyes: my life was consumed with self-worth issues and I’d let important relationships with my husband, mom, friends, faith and myself fade into the background.
 
My Dark Night brought on positive experiences too – receiving signs and synchronicities from the universe, adopting a dog (yup! That’s how Charlie entered my life) and breaking into tough conversations with my husband. All these experiences and more showed me I’d been trapped in my own limiting beliefs. Trapped by impostor syndrome, trapped by a severe lack of self-acceptance and self-confidence. When I chose to turn my back to these restricting beliefs and let them fester, they poorly influenced my emotions and disrupted my life in damaging ways.
 
(After reading that, don’t be discouraged… Dark Night experiences vary from one person to the next. But for everyone, there are always opportunities for growth and change.)
 
My Dark Night drew open the curtains and revealed my truth: I was in dire need of internal renovation, a complete makeover that would shed years of self-sabotaging ego. Washing away ego wasn’t a “one and done” process; it took many up-and-down moments to learn how my ego had negatively controlled my thoughts and actions. But I didn’t give up. I didn’t run from the pain or try to escape the darkness. I had my fair share of detours and mishaps but we are human. I am human.
 
What I learned is that we can always find our way back to growth, which is what I did. I welcomed my Dark Night and because of that, my Dark Night helped me find my foundation: My true self from which I could rebuild and start fresh.
 
Because of the profound experience my Dark Night of the Soul had on my life, I’ve spent the last few years researching it, writing a memoir about it and developing frameworks, activities and a community focused on helping others prepare for and move through their Dark Night with intent, love and care.
 
To learn more about my experience with a Dark Night of the Soul and how I work with clients on their spiritual journey, visit drdanielleclark.com.
 
And don’t forget, you’re invited to attend the free A Dark Night of the Soul = A Life Found event 12/10 at 7PM EST.

Did you enjoy this post? You can subscribe here. 

Sincerely,
Danielle

PS – Here’s an affirmation to help you if you’re in a Dark Night of the Soul: “I embrace the darkness and know it will show me the light. I accept my discomfort and welcome change.”


PPS – To help you identify and release your ego, get out your journal. Here’s a writing prompt: A good first step is to reflect and identify which areas of your life may be controlled by ego. Do a quick Google search for the definition of “ego” and write it down. Does it play a role in your career, your love life, your relationship with friends or family? How so? When making decisions do you check in with your mind and your heart?

I listened to my true self

Every morning, I aim to walk 3 miles before I do any computer work. I like walking, I really do, but sometimes keeping active feels like a chore. Lately, the conversation in my head sounds something like this:

The Other Danielle: “You have tons of work to do. Go for a walk later.”

The True Danielle: “Get that blood moving. Take in nature. Clear your mind. You know if you wait you won’t go.”

The Other Danielle: “What’s the point of going for a walk? You’ll need to do more than that if you want to get rid of your extra Covid pounds.”

The True Danielle: “Get your butt outside. You’re walking to reconnect with yourself and the universe. To stay healthy. This is where your best ideas come to you and so what if you have a few extra pounds?”

Last week, I woke up and it was pouring. I’m sure it’s easy to imagine how my two sides handled this conversation:

The Other Danielle: “It’s raining. Here’s your excuse! You don’t have to walk today. Woot woot!”

The True Danielle: “You made a commitment to yourself. You’re not going to melt. Since when do you need excuses?”

The Other Danielle: “But the walk will be sooo boring. I can’t even track my steps or listen to my Audible because my phone is on the fritz and it can’t get wet.”

The True Danielle: “Quit your whining.”

As tempting as the arguments were from The Other Danielle, I listened to my truth-telling, no bull crap self. I laced up my sneakers, left my phone on my desk, and braved the weather.

Ten minutes into my walk, I chuckled to myself. I was having the time of my life. Each droplet of water on my skin made me feel alive. The streets weren’t filled with walkers or cars and so I got a beautiful, solidary ‘It’s just me and the world’ experience. All I could hear were the birds chirping and the squirrels nibbling away at their acorns. And best of all, I didn’t break a promise to myself.

After I showered and powered up the laptop, I produced some of my best work of the week.

How can you tune into your True Self instead of that Other Self trying to derail you?

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Sincerely,

Danielle

PS – Here’s an affirmation to help you along your ‘I listen to my true self’ journey: “I will trust myself, my intuition and my guidance.”

PPS – To remind you that your True Self and your Other Self are always present in the moment of decision, get out you journal. Here’s a writing prompt: Think back to a time when your True Self overcame the excuses from your Other Self. What positives came from that experience?    

I hated her for being pretty and kind

Years ago, my husband, 6-year-old son Aaron and I were at the grocery store. When we turned the corner past the canned soups and veggies aisle, someone caught Aaron’s attention. His eyes twinkled and his smile extended from ear to ear. He then began running towards someone with his arms out wide.

I looked down the aisle and didn’t recognize the beautiful forty-something-year-old blonde, but in that moment, I hated her. Who the hell is that? How dare she smile at my son! And look at her. She’s so effin’ pretty it makes me sick.

As Aaron ran towards her, my blood boiled. I peered over at Ron. He seemed fine, content and curious. Of course he’s okay with this! He probably thinks she’s cute!

I took a deep breathe in and tried to play it cool as I approached her.

“Hi. I’m Danielle. It’s nice to meet you… How do you know my son?”

The fit, dewy skinned woman with amazingly white teeth replied, “I’m Cindy. It’s nice to meet you. Ohhh, your son is just the best. I get to see him every day. I’m a lunch volunteer at his school.”

Aaron chimed in, “Ms. R helps me with my straws and helps me to recycle my stuff.”

I could feel my face turn red. I hated her even more… Not only is she happy and gorgeous, but she’s also a volunteer! How angelic of her.

When we parted ways, I started venting to Ron while searching for dino nuggets in the frozen foods section.

“How dare she. She shouldn’t just hug someone else’s kid without permission… It must be nice that she has all that time to volunteer. She must not work… That’s why she’s so effin’ bubbly.”

Ron stopped pushing the carriage. With his eyebrows scrunched he said, “What’s your problem?”

That questions hurt because I knew I had a problem, I just didn’t know exactly that problem was.

Hating on cheery, pretty, friendly lunch volunteers was not my M.O. and certainly something I wasn’t proud of.

I sheepishly replied to Ron, “I’m sorry.”

When I got home, I went for a walk and asked myself over and over again, What’s your problem?

With inward reflection, the truth came out. I hadn’t felt pretty or happy or connected to my son. I was working a lot and had let physical activity and quality family time fall to the wayside. I was insecure about my body, relationships and life.

Looking back, that experience at the grocery store scared the crap out of me. I never wanted to hate someone again (especially for being nice!) and so I put together an action plan. I started saying ‘no’ to a few extra tasks at work to make more time to focus on myself and the family. I went back to the gym to get my energy level up and regain confidence in my skin. I got involved at my son’s school so I could receive the love and pride that comes with volunteer work.

A few months later, I saw Ms. R at the gym. My mind didn’t choose to spew nasty comments or judgements. Instead, a sense of calm swept through me. I whispered from a distance “thank you,” smiled and went on with my workout.

Thanks to years of inner work, I no longer find myself getting jealous like I used to. It takes time, but emotional balance is possible and wow does it feel amazing.

The next time you find yourself hating on someone, how can you use the experience as a mirror moment to look at yourself?

Did you enjoy this post? You can subscribe here. 

Sincerely,

Danielle

PS – Here’s an affirmation to help you along your self-love journey: “I release all the negative thoughts about myself and replace them with love.”

PPS – Are you spending your time hyper-focusing on someone in a not-so-healthy way? Perhaps out of spite or jealousy? Spend a few minutes journaling. Here’s a prompt: Write about ‘the person’ in your life who makes your blood boil. What drives you nuts about them? Review your notes. Then, imagine this person was put on your life path for a purpose. What can you learn from this person? What action plan can you put together to become a better version of yourself?

A higher version of YOU

A higher version of YOU

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